Autumn Thoughts

Autumn. The air is crisp, and there are definitely no traces of summer left...the leaves have almost all fallen to the ground. There’s something sad about Autumn to me. I miss the warm air of September, the grey seems to settle down over the city and it’s harder to drag yourself out of bed in the morning. On the other hand, there is something magically cozy about it too. Sweaters, boots, gloves, coats...rosy cheeks and puffs of condensation from your breath linger in the air in front of you. I can’t understand how November crept up on us so quickly! Perhaps it was that October was remarkably beautiful this year, day after day of sunshine had us spoiled for the first part of the fall. October saw my 28^th birthday come and go, as much as its hard getting older (I wonder if it’s a woman thing) that I put so much bearing on the age itself. I tried hard to think of all the amazing things that will happen to me at 28.

-I will marry my best friend before my next birthday.

-I might possibly be PREGNANT by my next birthday!

-Maybe my job will change face a little, and a promotion may come about this year!

-I will continue to work on myself, and my relationships including the one I have struggled with the most; my Mother.

-History continues to happen, every day something happens that people remember for the rest of their lives, I’m so blessed to wake up each day and make history for myself.

-I will wake up each morning and thank God for this amazing life he has provided me with, and the chance to be forgiven daily for the things I’ve done wrong.

October also saw Thanksgiving with family, my crazy sometimes dysfunctional but mostly amazing family. It always gives time to reflect on those things that matter most to us...and pray for those who don’t have much at all. It saw Halloween, our first time carving pumpkins together and hopefully the creation of traditions that will be lasting for us and our family.

Today I am blessed by the cozy home we’ve made together. I’m blessed for the people in my life that continue to support me, build me up, laugh with me and cry with me. 

Beauty of our surroundings...

What a day we had yesterday. Took a little trip, to explore the beauty that surrounds us. How blessed we are to live in this paradise, Vancouver Island. As the waves rolled upon the shore of China Beach, I took a moment as my toes wiggled in the sand to thank God for blessing us with such beautiful surroundings. I leaned over to my love and said, “How lucky are we? How blessed are we to have this literally at our fingertips?” He agreed, and we basked in the sunshine and had a really relaxing afternoon. I packed us a picnic, but we stopped in at a little restaurant in Shirley, called aptly enough; Shirley Delicious. And delicious it was, the customer service was the best I’ve ever had! He remembered my hunny from the one and only time he’d stopped in while working in the area. We shared a toasted sammie and a cold brewed tea. Perfect way to start our afternoon.

Shirley Delicious Facebook Page

Nothing makes me feel more out of shape than that climb up and out of China Beach, but the heavy breathing and beads of sweat on my brow were so worth it. Just to be so connected with God’s beauty, it really is a treasure of this Island. We watched some surfers enjoying the waves, and had a little nap in the sun. It was one of my favorite days ever, not because anything really crazy happened...but the time I spent, in awe of God’s wonders, humbled me. It’s amazing just how much you can take in, when you remove the busy of everyday life. The wake, up, brush your teeth, work all day kind of busy. When you take a step away from the pavement and onto a sandy beach and appreciate just being alive.

Thank you God for blessing us with such beautiful surroundings. Thank you for blessing me with such a beautiful life.

Reflections of Father's Day

Father’s day. A good time to reflect on those relationships that are usually the most complicated. I’m talking, relationships with our parents. Somewhere along the line, our parents stop being invincible in our minds. We realize they hurt, fall, make mistakes...they’re human. I think I realized this pretty young, my grandpa’s funeral was the first time I saw my Dad cry. I was probably...eight years old. I remember reaching my hand out across the church pew and holding his, while tears rolled down his face. I can’t even begin to imagine what I’ll be like, when in the same position. My relationship with my Mother is strained at best. It used to be better, but over time it has become eroded, painful...toxic. The healthier I get, the harder it is to maintain.

My Father is no saint. Let me make that clear, he had a hand in making mistakes that really affected my adult life as well as my childhood. I find it’s hard to confront him on the things that bother me, because I don’t like fighting with people, especially my Dad. He’s the parent I have who is functioning; it’s the parental relationship that’s working relatively well most of the time.

I’ve been diagnosed as a co-dependent. It’s nice to finally have a name to put to my behaviours. When growing up with parents who are in active addiction its common to form certain coping skills just to get through life when your parents aren’t making choices that they should. Now that I know that there’s a reason for my behaviors, I can work on correcting them. That means I can form healthy boundaries with people who are affecting me in a negative way. For instance, if someone is drinking, and wants to talk to me on the phone, guess what? I don’t have to talk to them. I can’t fix the people around me, the best I can do in my life is fix myself so that I don’t feel the need to fix others.

But back to the topic at hand, Father’s day...I love my Dad; I’ve always been a Daddy’s Girl. He’s the guy I call when I don’t know how to cook something, or when I don’t know which political party to vote for. He’s like a walking encyclopedia. From him I have a love of reading, respect for books and libraries. Because of him I still like to watch Jeopardy every night. Because of him I had two of the most amazing grandparents anyone could hope for; through them my faith in Christ was planted at a very early age. Through him I learn the stories of my ancestors, without him I’d feel lost. He has been a good father; he loved me and my brother just the same (even though my brother is not his son through blood). He is tough, and strict, but loving and kind. He can be stubborn, with reason. I have learned so much about how to be a parent from him, and just because he made mistakes (who doesn’t?) but that doesn’t mean he didn’t love us with all his heart. Without his children he would be lost, I know that with all that I am. He’s the only Dad in this life I’ll ever get, and I’m glad he was chosen for me.

Relationships with parents can be intricate and sometimes downright confusing. I’ve spent my life wishing I had the kind of relationships friends or family members have with theirs. I realize as I get older, I can’t change what has been...I can only change what will be.  I can be the kind of parent for my children that I thought I should have had, I can lead by example. I can be careful with their fragile minds, and hearts. I know that everyone just does the best they can with the knowledge and resources they have at the time, and if they could do better they would. I am blessed to have what I do in this life, the lessons I’ve learned along the way. Every bump, valley, mountain that I’ve encountered have all taught me so much, and shown me that I really am a strong person even if I don’t feel like it all the time.

Every day we’re given chances to reflect, chances to stop and be thankful...sometimes just for something small, like the delicious fruit salad I had for my afternoon snack. Sometimes for something big, like your Dad, and all the amazing things he has taught you in this life. And just because he isn’t perfect, doesn’t mean God made a mistake when he chose him as your father. Savour those moments of reflection and thankfulness. Without them we forget how good things really are.

Crazy Day...

It’s been one of those days... A crazy-pull-your-turning-grey-hair-out-lay-on-your-desk-and-cry kind of day. But then a beautiful thing happens, that voice of reason (God) reminds you...it’s just a job. It’s just a day, in the grand scheme of things; it’s really nothing at all. It’s a day where you go home, sit down in front of the TV, and eat a freaking cupcake. Who cares?

Today I am grateful through all the crazy, that I have a well-paying job. It provides us money to be able to have a nice condo, a nice car and our bills are always paid. I’m grateful for our benefits, and holiday pay, and yes even though I make less than EVERYONE in my office, they are a very good group of people. They are people who can cheer me up on a day like this, who bring me tea in the morning on occasion, and sometimes I walk in to flowers on my desk for no particular reason other than doing all the crap work nobody else has time to do.

Funny how reminding yourself of the things you need to be grateful for as opposed to complaining about the things that annoy you, your mood lifts and you realize...hey, there’s only just over an hour left of being in this place anyways.

Today I am grateful for my job, the people I work with and the fact that at 4:32 every day, I get to go home to the man I love, without a work cell phone, and forget about this place until tomorrow morning where I wake up and do it all over again.

With You

Today I am thankful for the fact that it’s only one more sleep until my Love comes home from his work trip. He’s been in Kelowna for 11 days now. And tomorrow he will finally be home! Excited? Uhm...YES! I never in a million years imagined that love was like this. I’m sure everyone has a different definition, but love in my relationship is:

-getting to hang out with my best friend all the time

-having someone just on team me, with my best interests always at the core of his heart

-forehead kisses

-thank you’s, I love you’s, you look pretty today’s

-lazy days spent in bed and on the couch until whenever we feel like it (this will change in a few years time, so we enjoy it while we can)

-being excited about all the possibilities of the future

-the promise of having someone to spend the rest of my life with

-growing, learning and changing together

-conversations, when we sit down and really talk to each other. Grown up conversations, I really love that.

-playing along with Jeopardy, and slapping each other five when one of us gets the answer right

-hugs from him are just honestly, the best thing in the whole world...it’s like this big protective blanket around me

-who I am when I am with him, honest, happy, silly, sassy...all those parts of me I hid before, he makes me be  myself.

-feeling safe...my heart is his and that’s okay because I have no fears that he will break it

-dreaming of what our children will look like...he will be such an amazing father I have these visions of this big guy, snuggling this tiny little bundle...oh I get misty eyed thinking about it

-thinking back to the day we met, and suddenly life just made sense...cheesy? Maybe, but I speak the truth

-most of all, being with him has made me believe that love IS real, good guys DO exist, I am worth respect from men, and that dreams DO come true

Sometimes the craziness in life gets in the way, but taking a while to sit here and reflect I am just bursting with love for him. Taking time out to just sit and think of all the reasons he’s such an amazing part of my life I just know that God put our paths together. All those things I didn’t see in myself before, it took someone else seeing them to show me that they are there. Sure I still have insecurities, what woman doesn’t? But I do know this; he loves me for who I am. He sees me as his life partner, his future wife, the mother to his children. All of these are things I only thought other people had...but now I have them too. I thank God every day for the man he picked for me. A man I had prayed existed...the man I want to be with forever.

Love these lyrics, they describe how I'm feeling right now:

The real me is a southern girl with her Levis on and an open heart
Wish I could say the save the world, like I was super girl
The real me is to laugh all night lying in the grass just talking about love
But lately I've been jaded life got so complicated

I'm still thinking about it almost forgot what it was like
Do you know what it feels like?
'Cause with you
I can let my hair down
I can say anything crazy
I know you'll catch me right before I hit the ground
With nothing but a T-shirt on
I never felt so beautiful
Baby as I do now
Now that I'm with you
With you
Now that I'm with you

You speak and it's like a song
And just like that all my walls come down
It's like a private joke just meant for us to know
I relate to you naturally
Everybody else just fades away
Sometimes it's hard to breathe
Just knowing you found me
'Cause I'm still thinking about it almost forgot what it was like
Do you know what it feels like?
'Cause with you
I can let my hair down
I can say anything crazy
I know you'll catch me right before I hit the ground
With nothing but a T-shirt on
I never felt so beautiful
Baby as I do now
Now that I'm with you
With you

Come and take me
Love you save me
Like nobody else
Now I can be myself
With you

With you
I can let my hair down
I can say anything crazy
I know you'll catch me right before I hit the ground
With nothing but a T-shirt on
I never felt so beautiful
Baby as I do now (Baby as I do now)
Now that I'm with you

Shield

Negativity. It’s everywhere.

I can’t turn on the news without seeing some horrific story, violence, destruction...it’s hardly avoidable. Today though, I’m putting up my shield against it...my heart just can’t take it. I think I need to stay off Facebook today as well, because that is just a gathering place for negativity. Our society feeds off of it. Why lift people up, when you can tear them down? Am I guilty of this? Absolutely, I’m no angel. I have said terrible things about people, but it’s most likely been a reflection of what’s going on inside of me. It’s pretty hard to love others, when it’s a daily struggle just to love yourself.

As I begin to...like myself more, I find my heart can’t take the lack of respect that some people have for each other. Maybe it’s because I’ve finally begun to respect myself. I want to be someone who uplifts, cheers up, reminds people that they’re all so beautiful, and cherished. I’m sure there were people along the way in my life who tried to remind me of such things. But now I know that they’re true.

Today I am grateful for God’s unwavering love for me. That he’s been a proud Father, even at my worst moments. I am grateful for His forgiveness, even when I’ve been unable to forgive myself. I am grateful for the positivity I get when I remind myself that my name is engraven on his hands, that He calls me His own. I am grateful for the friends he has put in my path, with like minds who can be mentors and advisors to me. I am thankful for all they have taught and continue to teach me. I am thankful for the word that has brought me and so many others comfort in times of need. I am thankful that when I feel as if I have nothing else, I can pray and know that I am not alone. I am hopeful that by showing kindness and compassion today, I can outweigh the heaviness on my heart brought on by the constant attack against it.

Matthew 5:14-16

King James Version (KJV)

¹⁴ Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill cannot be hid.

¹⁵ Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house.

¹⁶ Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.

The first post: By The Grace of God - A lotus grew from mud

My first real blog post! EEEEEEK! I’ve wanted to write a blog for a while now, but it’s never felt like the right time. There’s just something about 27. It’s been a good year. It has shown me how abundantly blessed my life is, how lucky I am to have my health, a family that supports me, and a man who loves me more than anything. Together we are building a life of amazing possibilities, we have a roof over our heads and food in the cupboards. I have a job that pays the bills and then some, I’ve earned it and I work hard to keep it. And little by little, all these great things are teaching me how to love myself.

Life hasn’t always been easy, wait, who am I kidding...life is never easy. But there was a time when it was a LOT harder than it is now. I am a firm believer that everyone in life will come across a moment...a pocket in time where you can either take the exit to a new life path, or you can stay going the way you are and end up somewhere awful. Let me tell you, I was on the wrong path going so fast I’m surprised I was able to get off when I did. The fact that I’m even sitting here, healthy, ALIVE, has been by the grace of God. It has been 3 years of learning, changing, growing...all those things I was stunting by the actions I was taking to simply survive the hurt living inside of me.

I won’t shun those times, as they helped me become the person I am today. It took being so weak, to truly realize how strong that I could be. And it took an awful lot of hurt feelings, let downs, abuse, tears and pain to appreciate the love, laughter and peace in my life now. It took meeting a man who nearly took my life with the darkness that lived inside of him, to seek the man who put my heart back together again.

Again, by the grace of God I am alive. I will never stop being thankful for the flame that never quite went out, the seed that was planted and just waiting for a little nurturing to grow.

Today I stand tall, a proud believer that I am the daughter of the King, a loyal member of my family, and a devoted fiancé to the most amazing man I could’ve ever imagined. Today I reflect on my life and know, God had a plan for me all along...I still don’t know what his plan is but I will strive every day to turn my will over to let Him lead me through.

A Lotus Meditation