Father’s day. A good time to reflect on those relationships that are usually the most complicated. I’m talking, relationships with our parents. Somewhere along the line, our parents stop being invincible in our minds. We realize they hurt, fall, make mistakes...they’re human. I think I realized this pretty young, my grandpa’s funeral was the first time I saw my Dad cry. I was probably...eight years old. I remember reaching my hand out across the church pew and holding his, while tears rolled down his face. I can’t even begin to imagine what I’ll be like, when in the same position. My relationship with my Mother is strained at best. It used to be better, but over time it has become eroded, painful...toxic. The healthier I get, the harder it is to maintain.
My Father is no saint. Let me make that clear, he had a hand in making mistakes that really affected my adult life as well as my childhood. I find it’s hard to confront him on the things that bother me, because I don’t like fighting with people, especially my Dad. He’s the parent I have who is functioning; it’s the parental relationship that’s working relatively well most of the time.
I’ve been diagnosed as a co-dependent. It’s nice to finally have a name to put to my behaviours. When growing up with parents who are in active addiction its common to form certain coping skills just to get through life when your parents aren’t making choices that they should. Now that I know that there’s a reason for my behaviors, I can work on correcting them. That means I can form healthy boundaries with people who are affecting me in a negative way. For instance, if someone is drinking, and wants to talk to me on the phone, guess what? I don’t have to talk to them. I can’t fix the people around me, the best I can do in my life is fix myself so that I don’t feel the need to fix others.
But back to the topic at hand, Father’s day...I love my Dad; I’ve always been a Daddy’s Girl. He’s the guy I call when I don’t know how to cook something, or when I don’t know which political party to vote for. He’s like a walking encyclopedia. From him I have a love of reading, respect for books and libraries. Because of him I still like to watch Jeopardy every night. Because of him I had two of the most amazing grandparents anyone could hope for; through them my faith in Christ was planted at a very early age. Through him I learn the stories of my ancestors, without him I’d feel lost. He has been a good father; he loved me and my brother just the same (even though my brother is not his son through blood). He is tough, and strict, but loving and kind. He can be stubborn, with reason. I have learned so much about how to be a parent from him, and just because he made mistakes (who doesn’t?) but that doesn’t mean he didn’t love us with all his heart. Without his children he would be lost, I know that with all that I am. He’s the only Dad in this life I’ll ever get, and I’m glad he was chosen for me.
Relationships with parents can be intricate and sometimes downright confusing. I’ve spent my life wishing I had the kind of relationships friends or family members have with theirs. I realize as I get older, I can’t change what has been...I can only change what will be. I can be the kind of parent for my children that I thought I should have had, I can lead by example. I can be careful with their fragile minds, and hearts. I know that everyone just does the best they can with the knowledge and resources they have at the time, and if they could do better they would. I am blessed to have what I do in this life, the lessons I’ve learned along the way. Every bump, valley, mountain that I’ve encountered have all taught me so much, and shown me that I really am a strong person even if I don’t feel like it all the time.
Every day we’re given chances to reflect, chances to stop and be thankful...sometimes just for something small, like the delicious fruit salad I had for my afternoon snack. Sometimes for something big, like your Dad, and all the amazing things he has taught you in this life. And just because he isn’t perfect, doesn’t mean God made a mistake when he chose him as your father. Savour those moments of reflection and thankfulness. Without them we forget how good things really are.
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