When I started this blog, it wasn’t created to blah blah
blah on and on about myself. Well, maybe it was; in a really personal, open,
unashamed, genuine way. Not in a narcissistic, look-at-my-great-life kind of
way. It was this inner push, that I had to share my story in hopes that just
one person might walk away from reading it thinking, “hey, if she can turn her
life around that way, then maybe there is hope for me”. And trust me, there is
hope. There is hope and there is guarantee, that if you are in the lowest point
in your life you can possibly imagine, that once you make the choice to change
it the flip side is the best life you could ever imagine. I’m not talking a
perfect cookie cutter life, because that’s just not realistic. But there is a
life you’ve never even dreamed for yourself because things are feeling too
hopeless to dream. For me, I took control of my spiritual life, I brought the
love of Jesus back into my heart knowing that if I just let Him guide my
decisions, with pure intent and an honest heart that things were gonna look
really different one day. And they do, they look so different. If I look back
now, I can actually pinpoint the forks in the road where I decided to take a
different path than I was on and how they led me to where I am now.
On October 30th, 2014 I will have 4 years clean
of the unhealthy lifestyle I used to live. 4 years! There was a time in my life
when it wouldn’t even be 4 days…I can’t even believe it. It’s something I’m so
proud of. And each day I put between now and October 30, 2010 is another mark
for me that change is possible, and that there’s a different way to live your
life. No, I don’t have a rehab story, a story of being dragged out of someplace
by the police, jail, court, or anything like that. However I do remember as
Oprah would say, the “ah-HA” moment, the “rock-bottom” moment, whatever you
want to call it. It was the last time I ever wanted to feel that ashamed, and
that broken. It hasn’t been a cake-walk since then let me tell you. The work
you have to do to get yourself out of a self-destructive behavior pattern is
rough. It is why we turn to outside comfort and escape in the first place. It is because the work is just so freaking
hard. It’s a lot of self-examination, reflection on the things you’ve done in
life that weren’t so stand-up. It’s selfish, in the most unselfish way
possible. It’s doing something for yourself that’s actually going to benefit
all those around you.
Living a life with a substance-abuse problem is horrible. It
really is, it’s tiring, it’s repetitive, and it sucks the life and happiness
right out of you. It rots inside your body like a cancer, it hurts those around
you, it lies, it manipulates, it makes bad choices, and it puts you in places
and situations that a sober version of yourself would never even THINK of going.
It drains your bank account, your brain cells, and biggest toll of all; it
completely depletes you of your pride and self-esteem. You hear people talk
about you, behind your back (barely) and you agree with them. You have no
defense, you’re a mess. You’re THAT girl…the girl who doesn’t care enough about
herself to do something about it. You feel worse than the empty bottles that
clink in the trash when you clean up after last night’s “great time”. I had my
first experience with alcohol at sixteen and I knew I’d found my “it factor”. I
hadn’t technically been sober since then, it became a regular in my life and it
led to all sorts of crazy.
I literally had to move away from where I was living to get
sober. I knew that in my heart. I had enough room to pack up my Dad’s little
Kia, literally that was all the possessions I could bring, and I ended up on
the living room floor on an air mattress at his house. At almost 25 years old,
I was starting my life over again. I changed my phone number and deleted
contacts one by one, cleansing myself of toxic friendships and relationships. I
immersed myself back into church, and got myself my own place and a decent job.
I’d never lived on my own before, and it was an amazing time of self-discovery.
Suddenly I had to hang out with just myself, because there was nobody else
around. I had to learn to be alone with my thoughts, which was a tough one for
me.
Learning how to live a life sober was a huge struggle in the
beginning, with some major slips along the way. Social anxiety was top on my
list of things I hadn’t had to experience while under the influence. Suddenly I
had to talk to people as Savannah, and not “SAVANAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!”, the
fun, loud, hilarious (in my own mind only I’m sure) girl you met last night at
the metal bar that put your jam on when you walked through the doors. Because
they know you that well. I was scared of crowds; I lived on my own and worked
by myself so when people (and when I say people I mean family, cousins or a
handful of friends I had left) would ask me to go out with them I would cling
to them like a scared child. I felt uncomfortable in situations where I’d have
to talk to people I didn’t know because I’ve actually always been a really shy
person. Painfully so, in fact, as a kid I can remember if I’d hurt myself
outside, I’d wait until I was home to cry because I was so embarrassed.
Now, I can truthfully say alcohol is still a weakness for
me. One or two drinks is my limit, any more than that and I turn into my old
self, destructive behaviors and all. I wake up with that shameful feeling in the
pit of my stomach and I don’t like that at all. So I have to avoid going
overboard, for my own mental well-being. My body knows this, often before my
brain does. Just a drink over my limit and I feel panicky, once I'm teetering on the edge of being out of control. Common sense says, I should just avoid it
completely, and I’m working on that.
Anyways, this all comes back to the fact that I would love
to inspire even just one person to take the steps to getting on a path of
healthy living. Be it by walking with Christ as I do, or whatever it is that
fills your heart. Life is so much better than you ever imagined, our hard times
make us appreciate the good times so much more. And each minute, each SECOND
you put between you and the chains that keep you linked to your destructive
self will be a second you are so grateful for. I hope my words ignite a change
in your heart, remind you how much your friends and family love you, and to
evaluate who is keeping you drowning the problem and who is reaching their hand
to pull you out. Life is full of second chances, but you have to grab hold with
all your might when you see one go zooming by. They often won’t come with a
glaring neon sign, they can be subtle and sneaky and once you take one you’ll
be so happy that you did.
I’m living proof of a second chance. I want you to be too!
