This quote really resonated with me when I came across it on
Facebook. It’s one of those things; it just hits you in the guts. And it
reminded me that the hardest relationship I’ve ever had to maintain, I’m
talking, the worst…is the relationship I have with myself. I’ve survived it
all, you name the type of jerk, I’ve met him, dated him, gave too much of
myself to him…whatever. Cocky? Check. Cocky with a side of verbal abuse? Check.
Substance abuser? Depressed and suicidal (but I can fix him). Check. Physically
violent? Check…I mean…I’ve been through the gamut. Not to mention toxic
friends, and at times, toxic parents. But the most polluted and destructive relationship
I, to this day, struggle with, is simply looking in the mirror each day. My
inner dialogue some days is a constant reel of self-deprecating mantras. “You
look fat, you look ugly, nobody will find you attractive, you’re a bad
girlfriend, you are a bad human, you aren’t worth respect and love, the people
who do love you will realize one day that you aren’t worth it, because you aren’t
worth it…” I could go on and on. I’m talking constant, in all aspects of my
life. If my significant other and I get into a fight, my brain races to worst
case scenario and I automatically blame myself. If I had done this better, we
wouldn’t be fighting…if I had said this differently, we wouldn’t be fighting.
I know that I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my life. And
I can push off the hurtful self-comments for longer periods of time. And to be
truthful, I actually just thought that growing up would make these things
slowly fade away. That when I was nearing my 30s, I’d just have it all figured
out. I’d know myself, therefor love myself more. But it’s a daily thing, to
wake up and tell those thoughts to stick it…and remind myself that I am in fact
lovable. I am doing my best in a world that so eagerly waits to see us fail.
That I love others, respect others, and tell them these things as often as I can.
I have faith in my God, that he has a plan for me, that nothing is accident or
chance.
But where, oh where, is the big manual on self-love? I
wonder does ANYONE else feel this way? Does anyone else struggle so hard within
themselves on such a constant basis? Sometimes the noise inside my head is so
loud I honestly feel exhausted! I don’t want to live a life being inauthentic.
I don’t want to spout off to friends going through rough times that they need
to just love themselves enough to demand respect from others, if I don’t do
that myself.
I will give myself credit where credit is due, the last 3
years, have been an amazing journey in self-love, self-acceptance, and
reassurance that the days when my head is filled with noise, come fewer and
farther in-between. But that quote, it was just enough of a reminder that I’m
not there yet. I do not love myself the way I deserve to be loved. I have love
from an amazing man, I have love from family, but in this life I’ve come to
realize (although you hear the clichés all the time), self-love is really the
only way you can truly except love from others.
Today, I will remind myself to give Savannah a break. Give
the noise in my head a chance to be silent, and to give myself a little hug.
Because this poor heart has been trampled on enough in this life, and the only
person who can truly mend it, is myself.
Then when I need a little extra motivation there's always this little number: Bif Naked_I Love Myself Today
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