Shield

Negativity. It’s everywhere.

I can’t turn on the news without seeing some horrific story, violence, destruction...it’s hardly avoidable. Today though, I’m putting up my shield against it...my heart just can’t take it. I think I need to stay off Facebook today as well, because that is just a gathering place for negativity. Our society feeds off of it. Why lift people up, when you can tear them down? Am I guilty of this? Absolutely, I’m no angel. I have said terrible things about people, but it’s most likely been a reflection of what’s going on inside of me. It’s pretty hard to love others, when it’s a daily struggle just to love yourself.

As I begin to...like myself more, I find my heart can’t take the lack of respect that some people have for each other. Maybe it’s because I’ve finally begun to respect myself. I want to be someone who uplifts, cheers up, reminds people that they’re all so beautiful, and cherished. I’m sure there were people along the way in my life who tried to remind me of such things. But now I know that they’re true.

Today I am grateful for God’s unwavering love for me. That he’s been a proud Father, even at my worst moments. I am grateful for His forgiveness, even when I’ve been unable to forgive myself. I am grateful for the positivity I get when I remind myself that my name is engraven on his hands, that He calls me His own. I am grateful for the friends he has put in my path, with like minds who can be mentors and advisors to me. I am thankful for all they have taught and continue to teach me. I am thankful for the word that has brought me and so many others comfort in times of need. I am thankful that when I feel as if I have nothing else, I can pray and know that I am not alone. I am hopeful that by showing kindness and compassion today, I can outweigh the heaviness on my heart brought on by the constant attack against it.

Matthew 5:14-16

King James Version (KJV)

¹⁴ Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill cannot be hid.

¹⁵ Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house.

¹⁶ Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.

The first post: By The Grace of God - A lotus grew from mud

My first real blog post! EEEEEEK! I’ve wanted to write a blog for a while now, but it’s never felt like the right time. There’s just something about 27. It’s been a good year. It has shown me how abundantly blessed my life is, how lucky I am to have my health, a family that supports me, and a man who loves me more than anything. Together we are building a life of amazing possibilities, we have a roof over our heads and food in the cupboards. I have a job that pays the bills and then some, I’ve earned it and I work hard to keep it. And little by little, all these great things are teaching me how to love myself.

Life hasn’t always been easy, wait, who am I kidding...life is never easy. But there was a time when it was a LOT harder than it is now. I am a firm believer that everyone in life will come across a moment...a pocket in time where you can either take the exit to a new life path, or you can stay going the way you are and end up somewhere awful. Let me tell you, I was on the wrong path going so fast I’m surprised I was able to get off when I did. The fact that I’m even sitting here, healthy, ALIVE, has been by the grace of God. It has been 3 years of learning, changing, growing...all those things I was stunting by the actions I was taking to simply survive the hurt living inside of me.

I won’t shun those times, as they helped me become the person I am today. It took being so weak, to truly realize how strong that I could be. And it took an awful lot of hurt feelings, let downs, abuse, tears and pain to appreciate the love, laughter and peace in my life now. It took meeting a man who nearly took my life with the darkness that lived inside of him, to seek the man who put my heart back together again.

Again, by the grace of God I am alive. I will never stop being thankful for the flame that never quite went out, the seed that was planted and just waiting for a little nurturing to grow.

Today I stand tall, a proud believer that I am the daughter of the King, a loyal member of my family, and a devoted fiancé to the most amazing man I could’ve ever imagined. Today I reflect on my life and know, God had a plan for me all along...I still don’t know what his plan is but I will strive every day to turn my will over to let Him lead me through.

A Lotus Meditation