With You

Today I am thankful for the fact that it’s only one more sleep until my Love comes home from his work trip. He’s been in Kelowna for 11 days now. And tomorrow he will finally be home! Excited? Uhm...YES! I never in a million years imagined that love was like this. I’m sure everyone has a different definition, but love in my relationship is:

-getting to hang out with my best friend all the time

-having someone just on team me, with my best interests always at the core of his heart

-forehead kisses

-thank you’s, I love you’s, you look pretty today’s

-lazy days spent in bed and on the couch until whenever we feel like it (this will change in a few years time, so we enjoy it while we can)

-being excited about all the possibilities of the future

-the promise of having someone to spend the rest of my life with

-growing, learning and changing together

-conversations, when we sit down and really talk to each other. Grown up conversations, I really love that.

-playing along with Jeopardy, and slapping each other five when one of us gets the answer right

-hugs from him are just honestly, the best thing in the whole world...it’s like this big protective blanket around me

-who I am when I am with him, honest, happy, silly, sassy...all those parts of me I hid before, he makes me be  myself.

-feeling safe...my heart is his and that’s okay because I have no fears that he will break it

-dreaming of what our children will look like...he will be such an amazing father I have these visions of this big guy, snuggling this tiny little bundle...oh I get misty eyed thinking about it

-thinking back to the day we met, and suddenly life just made sense...cheesy? Maybe, but I speak the truth

-most of all, being with him has made me believe that love IS real, good guys DO exist, I am worth respect from men, and that dreams DO come true

Sometimes the craziness in life gets in the way, but taking a while to sit here and reflect I am just bursting with love for him. Taking time out to just sit and think of all the reasons he’s such an amazing part of my life I just know that God put our paths together. All those things I didn’t see in myself before, it took someone else seeing them to show me that they are there. Sure I still have insecurities, what woman doesn’t? But I do know this; he loves me for who I am. He sees me as his life partner, his future wife, the mother to his children. All of these are things I only thought other people had...but now I have them too. I thank God every day for the man he picked for me. A man I had prayed existed...the man I want to be with forever.

Love these lyrics, they describe how I'm feeling right now:

The real me is a southern girl with her Levis on and an open heart
Wish I could say the save the world, like I was super girl
The real me is to laugh all night lying in the grass just talking about love
But lately I've been jaded life got so complicated

I'm still thinking about it almost forgot what it was like
Do you know what it feels like?
'Cause with you
I can let my hair down
I can say anything crazy
I know you'll catch me right before I hit the ground
With nothing but a T-shirt on
I never felt so beautiful
Baby as I do now
Now that I'm with you
With you
Now that I'm with you

You speak and it's like a song
And just like that all my walls come down
It's like a private joke just meant for us to know
I relate to you naturally
Everybody else just fades away
Sometimes it's hard to breathe
Just knowing you found me
'Cause I'm still thinking about it almost forgot what it was like
Do you know what it feels like?
'Cause with you
I can let my hair down
I can say anything crazy
I know you'll catch me right before I hit the ground
With nothing but a T-shirt on
I never felt so beautiful
Baby as I do now
Now that I'm with you
With you

Come and take me
Love you save me
Like nobody else
Now I can be myself
With you

With you
I can let my hair down
I can say anything crazy
I know you'll catch me right before I hit the ground
With nothing but a T-shirt on
I never felt so beautiful
Baby as I do now (Baby as I do now)
Now that I'm with you

Shield

Negativity. It’s everywhere.

I can’t turn on the news without seeing some horrific story, violence, destruction...it’s hardly avoidable. Today though, I’m putting up my shield against it...my heart just can’t take it. I think I need to stay off Facebook today as well, because that is just a gathering place for negativity. Our society feeds off of it. Why lift people up, when you can tear them down? Am I guilty of this? Absolutely, I’m no angel. I have said terrible things about people, but it’s most likely been a reflection of what’s going on inside of me. It’s pretty hard to love others, when it’s a daily struggle just to love yourself.

As I begin to...like myself more, I find my heart can’t take the lack of respect that some people have for each other. Maybe it’s because I’ve finally begun to respect myself. I want to be someone who uplifts, cheers up, reminds people that they’re all so beautiful, and cherished. I’m sure there were people along the way in my life who tried to remind me of such things. But now I know that they’re true.

Today I am grateful for God’s unwavering love for me. That he’s been a proud Father, even at my worst moments. I am grateful for His forgiveness, even when I’ve been unable to forgive myself. I am grateful for the positivity I get when I remind myself that my name is engraven on his hands, that He calls me His own. I am grateful for the friends he has put in my path, with like minds who can be mentors and advisors to me. I am thankful for all they have taught and continue to teach me. I am thankful for the word that has brought me and so many others comfort in times of need. I am thankful that when I feel as if I have nothing else, I can pray and know that I am not alone. I am hopeful that by showing kindness and compassion today, I can outweigh the heaviness on my heart brought on by the constant attack against it.

Matthew 5:14-16

King James Version (KJV)

¹⁴ Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill cannot be hid.

¹⁵ Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house.

¹⁶ Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.

The first post: By The Grace of God - A lotus grew from mud

My first real blog post! EEEEEEK! I’ve wanted to write a blog for a while now, but it’s never felt like the right time. There’s just something about 27. It’s been a good year. It has shown me how abundantly blessed my life is, how lucky I am to have my health, a family that supports me, and a man who loves me more than anything. Together we are building a life of amazing possibilities, we have a roof over our heads and food in the cupboards. I have a job that pays the bills and then some, I’ve earned it and I work hard to keep it. And little by little, all these great things are teaching me how to love myself.

Life hasn’t always been easy, wait, who am I kidding...life is never easy. But there was a time when it was a LOT harder than it is now. I am a firm believer that everyone in life will come across a moment...a pocket in time where you can either take the exit to a new life path, or you can stay going the way you are and end up somewhere awful. Let me tell you, I was on the wrong path going so fast I’m surprised I was able to get off when I did. The fact that I’m even sitting here, healthy, ALIVE, has been by the grace of God. It has been 3 years of learning, changing, growing...all those things I was stunting by the actions I was taking to simply survive the hurt living inside of me.

I won’t shun those times, as they helped me become the person I am today. It took being so weak, to truly realize how strong that I could be. And it took an awful lot of hurt feelings, let downs, abuse, tears and pain to appreciate the love, laughter and peace in my life now. It took meeting a man who nearly took my life with the darkness that lived inside of him, to seek the man who put my heart back together again.

Again, by the grace of God I am alive. I will never stop being thankful for the flame that never quite went out, the seed that was planted and just waiting for a little nurturing to grow.

Today I stand tall, a proud believer that I am the daughter of the King, a loyal member of my family, and a devoted fiancé to the most amazing man I could’ve ever imagined. Today I reflect on my life and know, God had a plan for me all along...I still don’t know what his plan is but I will strive every day to turn my will over to let Him lead me through.

A Lotus Meditation