My Darkest Days Can Shine The Brightest When They Are Inspriring Others

When I started this blog, it wasn’t created to blah blah blah on and on about myself. Well, maybe it was; in a really personal, open, unashamed, genuine way. Not in a narcissistic, look-at-my-great-life kind of way. It was this inner push, that I had to share my story in hopes that just one person might walk away from reading it thinking, “hey, if she can turn her life around that way, then maybe there is hope for me”. And trust me, there is hope. There is hope and there is guarantee, that if you are in the lowest point in your life you can possibly imagine, that once you make the choice to change it the flip side is the best life you could ever imagine. I’m not talking a perfect cookie cutter life, because that’s just not realistic. But there is a life you’ve never even dreamed for yourself because things are feeling too hopeless to dream. For me, I took control of my spiritual life, I brought the love of Jesus back into my heart knowing that if I just let Him guide my decisions, with pure intent and an honest heart that things were gonna look really different one day. And they do, they look so different. If I look back now, I can actually pinpoint the forks in the road where I decided to take a different path than I was on and how they led me to where I am now.

On October 30^th, 2014 I will have 4 years clean of the unhealthy lifestyle I used to live. 4 years! There was a time in my life when it wouldn’t even be 4 days…I can’t even believe it. It’s something I’m so proud of. And each day I put between now and October 30, 2010 is another mark for me that change is possible, and that there’s a different way to live your life. No, I don’t have a rehab story, a story of being dragged out of someplace by the police, jail, court, or anything like that. However I do remember as Oprah would say, the “ah-HA” moment, the “rock-bottom” moment, whatever you want to call it. It was the last time I ever wanted to feel that ashamed, and that broken. It hasn’t been a cake-walk since then let me tell you. The work you have to do to get yourself out of a self-destructive behavior pattern is rough. It is why we turn to outside comfort and escape in the first place.  It is because the work is just so freaking hard. It’s a lot of self-examination, reflection on the things you’ve done in life that weren’t so stand-up. It’s selfish, in the most unselfish way possible. It’s doing something for yourself that’s actually going to benefit all those around you.

Living a life with a substance-abuse problem is horrible. It really is, it’s tiring, it’s repetitive, and it sucks the life and happiness right out of you. It rots inside your body like a cancer, it hurts those around you, it lies, it manipulates, it makes bad choices, and it puts you in places and situations that a sober version of yourself would never even THINK of going. It drains your bank account, your brain cells, and biggest toll of all; it completely depletes you of your pride and self-esteem. You hear people talk about you, behind your back (barely) and you agree with them. You have no defense, you’re a mess. You’re THAT girl…the girl who doesn’t care enough about herself to do something about it. You feel worse than the empty bottles that clink in the trash when you clean up after last night’s “great time”. I had my first experience with alcohol at sixteen and I knew I’d found my “it factor”. I hadn’t technically been sober since then, it became a regular in my life and it led to all sorts of crazy.

I literally had to move away from where I was living to get sober. I knew that in my heart. I had enough room to pack up my Dad’s little Kia, literally that was all the possessions I could bring, and I ended up on the living room floor on an air mattress at his house. At almost 25 years old, I was starting my life over again. I changed my phone number and deleted contacts one by one, cleansing myself of toxic friendships and relationships. I immersed myself back into church, and got myself my own place and a decent job. I’d never lived on my own before, and it was an amazing time of self-discovery. Suddenly I had to hang out with just myself, because there was nobody else around. I had to learn to be alone with my thoughts, which was a tough one for me.

Learning how to live a life sober was a huge struggle in the beginning, with some major slips along the way. Social anxiety was top on my list of things I hadn’t had to experience while under the influence. Suddenly I had to talk to people as Savannah, and not “SAVANAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!”, the fun, loud, hilarious (in my own mind only I’m sure) girl you met last night at the metal bar that put your jam on when you walked through the doors. Because they know you that well. I was scared of crowds; I lived on my own and worked by myself so when people (and when I say people I mean family, cousins or a handful of friends I had left) would ask me to go out with them I would cling to them like a scared child. I felt uncomfortable in situations where I’d have to talk to people I didn’t know because I’ve actually always been a really shy person. Painfully so, in fact, as a kid I can remember if I’d hurt myself outside, I’d wait until I was home to cry because I was so embarrassed.

Now, I can truthfully say alcohol is still a weakness for me. One or two drinks is my limit, any more than that and I turn into my old self, destructive behaviors and all. I wake up with that shameful feeling in the pit of my stomach and I don’t like that at all. So I have to avoid going overboard, for my own mental well-being. My body knows this, often before my brain does. Just a drink over my limit and I feel panicky, once I'm teetering on the edge of being out of control. Common sense says, I should just avoid it completely, and I’m working on that.

Anyways, this all comes back to the fact that I would love to inspire even just one person to take the steps to getting on a path of healthy living. Be it by walking with Christ as I do, or whatever it is that fills your heart. Life is so much better than you ever imagined, our hard times make us appreciate the good times so much more. And each minute, each SECOND you put between you and the chains that keep you linked to your destructive self will be a second you are so grateful for. I hope my words ignite a change in your heart, remind you how much your friends and family love you, and to evaluate who is keeping you drowning the problem and who is reaching their hand to pull you out. Life is full of second chances, but you have to grab hold with all your might when you see one go zooming by. They often won’t come with a glaring neon sign, they can be subtle and sneaky and once you take one you’ll be so happy that you did.

I’m living proof of a second chance. I want you to be too!

A Reminder to be Kind to Savannah...She's Been Through Enough

This quote really resonated with me when I came across it on Facebook. It’s one of those things; it just hits you in the guts. And it reminded me that the hardest relationship I’ve ever had to maintain, I’m talking, the worst…is the relationship I have with myself. I’ve survived it all, you name the type of jerk, I’ve met him, dated him, gave too much of myself to him…whatever. Cocky? Check. Cocky with a side of verbal abuse? Check. Substance abuser? Depressed and suicidal (but I can fix him). Check. Physically violent? Check…I mean…I’ve been through the gamut. Not to mention toxic friends, and at times, toxic parents. But the most polluted and destructive relationship I, to this day, struggle with, is simply looking in the mirror each day. My inner dialogue some days is a constant reel of self-deprecating mantras. “You look fat, you look ugly, nobody will find you attractive, you’re a bad girlfriend, you are a bad human, you aren’t worth respect and love, the people who do love you will realize one day that you aren’t worth it, because you aren’t worth it…” I could go on and on. I’m talking constant, in all aspects of my life. If my significant other and I get into a fight, my brain races to worst case scenario and I automatically blame myself. If I had done this better, we wouldn’t be fighting…if I had said this differently, we wouldn’t be fighting.

I know that I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my life. And I can push off the hurtful self-comments for longer periods of time. And to be truthful, I actually just thought that growing up would make these things slowly fade away. That when I was nearing my 30s, I’d just have it all figured out. I’d know myself, therefor love myself more. But it’s a daily thing, to wake up and tell those thoughts to stick it…and remind myself that I am in fact lovable. I am doing my best in a world that so eagerly waits to see us fail. That I love others, respect others, and tell them these things as often as I can. I have faith in my God, that he has a plan for me, that nothing is accident or chance.

But where, oh where, is the big manual on self-love? I wonder does ANYONE else feel this way? Does anyone else struggle so hard within themselves on such a constant basis? Sometimes the noise inside my head is so loud I honestly feel exhausted! I don’t want to live a life being inauthentic. I don’t want to spout off to friends going through rough times that they need to just love themselves enough to demand respect from others, if I don’t do that myself.

I will give myself credit where credit is due, the last 3 years, have been an amazing journey in self-love, self-acceptance, and reassurance that the days when my head is filled with noise, come fewer and farther in-between. But that quote, it was just enough of a reminder that I’m not there yet. I do not love myself the way I deserve to be loved. I have love from an amazing man, I have love from family, but in this life I’ve come to realize (although you hear the clichés all the time), self-love is really the only way you can truly except love from others.

Today, I will remind myself to give Savannah a break. Give the noise in my head a chance to be silent, and to give myself a little hug. Because this poor heart has been trampled on enough in this life, and the only person who can truly mend it, is myself.

Then when I need a little extra motivation there's always this little number: Bif Naked_I Love Myself Today

Autumn Thoughts

Autumn. The air is crisp, and there are definitely no traces of summer left...the leaves have almost all fallen to the ground. There’s something sad about Autumn to me. I miss the warm air of September, the grey seems to settle down over the city and it’s harder to drag yourself out of bed in the morning. On the other hand, there is something magically cozy about it too. Sweaters, boots, gloves, coats...rosy cheeks and puffs of condensation from your breath linger in the air in front of you. I can’t understand how November crept up on us so quickly! Perhaps it was that October was remarkably beautiful this year, day after day of sunshine had us spoiled for the first part of the fall. October saw my 28^th birthday come and go, as much as its hard getting older (I wonder if it’s a woman thing) that I put so much bearing on the age itself. I tried hard to think of all the amazing things that will happen to me at 28.

-I will marry my best friend before my next birthday.

-I might possibly be PREGNANT by my next birthday!

-Maybe my job will change face a little, and a promotion may come about this year!

-I will continue to work on myself, and my relationships including the one I have struggled with the most; my Mother.

-History continues to happen, every day something happens that people remember for the rest of their lives, I’m so blessed to wake up each day and make history for myself.

-I will wake up each morning and thank God for this amazing life he has provided me with, and the chance to be forgiven daily for the things I’ve done wrong.

October also saw Thanksgiving with family, my crazy sometimes dysfunctional but mostly amazing family. It always gives time to reflect on those things that matter most to us...and pray for those who don’t have much at all. It saw Halloween, our first time carving pumpkins together and hopefully the creation of traditions that will be lasting for us and our family.

Today I am blessed by the cozy home we’ve made together. I’m blessed for the people in my life that continue to support me, build me up, laugh with me and cry with me. 

Beauty of our surroundings...

What a day we had yesterday. Took a little trip, to explore the beauty that surrounds us. How blessed we are to live in this paradise, Vancouver Island. As the waves rolled upon the shore of China Beach, I took a moment as my toes wiggled in the sand to thank God for blessing us with such beautiful surroundings. I leaned over to my love and said, “How lucky are we? How blessed are we to have this literally at our fingertips?” He agreed, and we basked in the sunshine and had a really relaxing afternoon. I packed us a picnic, but we stopped in at a little restaurant in Shirley, called aptly enough; Shirley Delicious. And delicious it was, the customer service was the best I’ve ever had! He remembered my hunny from the one and only time he’d stopped in while working in the area. We shared a toasted sammie and a cold brewed tea. Perfect way to start our afternoon.

Shirley Delicious Facebook Page

Nothing makes me feel more out of shape than that climb up and out of China Beach, but the heavy breathing and beads of sweat on my brow were so worth it. Just to be so connected with God’s beauty, it really is a treasure of this Island. We watched some surfers enjoying the waves, and had a little nap in the sun. It was one of my favorite days ever, not because anything really crazy happened...but the time I spent, in awe of God’s wonders, humbled me. It’s amazing just how much you can take in, when you remove the busy of everyday life. The wake, up, brush your teeth, work all day kind of busy. When you take a step away from the pavement and onto a sandy beach and appreciate just being alive.

Thank you God for blessing us with such beautiful surroundings. Thank you for blessing me with such a beautiful life.

Reflections of Father's Day

Father’s day. A good time to reflect on those relationships that are usually the most complicated. I’m talking, relationships with our parents. Somewhere along the line, our parents stop being invincible in our minds. We realize they hurt, fall, make mistakes...they’re human. I think I realized this pretty young, my grandpa’s funeral was the first time I saw my Dad cry. I was probably...eight years old. I remember reaching my hand out across the church pew and holding his, while tears rolled down his face. I can’t even begin to imagine what I’ll be like, when in the same position. My relationship with my Mother is strained at best. It used to be better, but over time it has become eroded, painful...toxic. The healthier I get, the harder it is to maintain.

My Father is no saint. Let me make that clear, he had a hand in making mistakes that really affected my adult life as well as my childhood. I find it’s hard to confront him on the things that bother me, because I don’t like fighting with people, especially my Dad. He’s the parent I have who is functioning; it’s the parental relationship that’s working relatively well most of the time.

I’ve been diagnosed as a co-dependent. It’s nice to finally have a name to put to my behaviours. When growing up with parents who are in active addiction its common to form certain coping skills just to get through life when your parents aren’t making choices that they should. Now that I know that there’s a reason for my behaviors, I can work on correcting them. That means I can form healthy boundaries with people who are affecting me in a negative way. For instance, if someone is drinking, and wants to talk to me on the phone, guess what? I don’t have to talk to them. I can’t fix the people around me, the best I can do in my life is fix myself so that I don’t feel the need to fix others.

But back to the topic at hand, Father’s day...I love my Dad; I’ve always been a Daddy’s Girl. He’s the guy I call when I don’t know how to cook something, or when I don’t know which political party to vote for. He’s like a walking encyclopedia. From him I have a love of reading, respect for books and libraries. Because of him I still like to watch Jeopardy every night. Because of him I had two of the most amazing grandparents anyone could hope for; through them my faith in Christ was planted at a very early age. Through him I learn the stories of my ancestors, without him I’d feel lost. He has been a good father; he loved me and my brother just the same (even though my brother is not his son through blood). He is tough, and strict, but loving and kind. He can be stubborn, with reason. I have learned so much about how to be a parent from him, and just because he made mistakes (who doesn’t?) but that doesn’t mean he didn’t love us with all his heart. Without his children he would be lost, I know that with all that I am. He’s the only Dad in this life I’ll ever get, and I’m glad he was chosen for me.

Relationships with parents can be intricate and sometimes downright confusing. I’ve spent my life wishing I had the kind of relationships friends or family members have with theirs. I realize as I get older, I can’t change what has been...I can only change what will be.  I can be the kind of parent for my children that I thought I should have had, I can lead by example. I can be careful with their fragile minds, and hearts. I know that everyone just does the best they can with the knowledge and resources they have at the time, and if they could do better they would. I am blessed to have what I do in this life, the lessons I’ve learned along the way. Every bump, valley, mountain that I’ve encountered have all taught me so much, and shown me that I really am a strong person even if I don’t feel like it all the time.

Every day we’re given chances to reflect, chances to stop and be thankful...sometimes just for something small, like the delicious fruit salad I had for my afternoon snack. Sometimes for something big, like your Dad, and all the amazing things he has taught you in this life. And just because he isn’t perfect, doesn’t mean God made a mistake when he chose him as your father. Savour those moments of reflection and thankfulness. Without them we forget how good things really are.

Crazy Day...

It’s been one of those days... A crazy-pull-your-turning-grey-hair-out-lay-on-your-desk-and-cry kind of day. But then a beautiful thing happens, that voice of reason (God) reminds you...it’s just a job. It’s just a day, in the grand scheme of things; it’s really nothing at all. It’s a day where you go home, sit down in front of the TV, and eat a freaking cupcake. Who cares?

Today I am grateful through all the crazy, that I have a well-paying job. It provides us money to be able to have a nice condo, a nice car and our bills are always paid. I’m grateful for our benefits, and holiday pay, and yes even though I make less than EVERYONE in my office, they are a very good group of people. They are people who can cheer me up on a day like this, who bring me tea in the morning on occasion, and sometimes I walk in to flowers on my desk for no particular reason other than doing all the crap work nobody else has time to do.

Funny how reminding yourself of the things you need to be grateful for as opposed to complaining about the things that annoy you, your mood lifts and you realize...hey, there’s only just over an hour left of being in this place anyways.

Today I am grateful for my job, the people I work with and the fact that at 4:32 every day, I get to go home to the man I love, without a work cell phone, and forget about this place until tomorrow morning where I wake up and do it all over again.

With You

Today I am thankful for the fact that it’s only one more sleep until my Love comes home from his work trip. He’s been in Kelowna for 11 days now. And tomorrow he will finally be home! Excited? Uhm...YES! I never in a million years imagined that love was like this. I’m sure everyone has a different definition, but love in my relationship is:

-getting to hang out with my best friend all the time

-having someone just on team me, with my best interests always at the core of his heart

-forehead kisses

-thank you’s, I love you’s, you look pretty today’s

-lazy days spent in bed and on the couch until whenever we feel like it (this will change in a few years time, so we enjoy it while we can)

-being excited about all the possibilities of the future

-the promise of having someone to spend the rest of my life with

-growing, learning and changing together

-conversations, when we sit down and really talk to each other. Grown up conversations, I really love that.

-playing along with Jeopardy, and slapping each other five when one of us gets the answer right

-hugs from him are just honestly, the best thing in the whole world...it’s like this big protective blanket around me

-who I am when I am with him, honest, happy, silly, sassy...all those parts of me I hid before, he makes me be  myself.

-feeling safe...my heart is his and that’s okay because I have no fears that he will break it

-dreaming of what our children will look like...he will be such an amazing father I have these visions of this big guy, snuggling this tiny little bundle...oh I get misty eyed thinking about it

-thinking back to the day we met, and suddenly life just made sense...cheesy? Maybe, but I speak the truth

-most of all, being with him has made me believe that love IS real, good guys DO exist, I am worth respect from men, and that dreams DO come true

Sometimes the craziness in life gets in the way, but taking a while to sit here and reflect I am just bursting with love for him. Taking time out to just sit and think of all the reasons he’s such an amazing part of my life I just know that God put our paths together. All those things I didn’t see in myself before, it took someone else seeing them to show me that they are there. Sure I still have insecurities, what woman doesn’t? But I do know this; he loves me for who I am. He sees me as his life partner, his future wife, the mother to his children. All of these are things I only thought other people had...but now I have them too. I thank God every day for the man he picked for me. A man I had prayed existed...the man I want to be with forever.

Love these lyrics, they describe how I'm feeling right now:

The real me is a southern girl with her Levis on and an open heart
Wish I could say the save the world, like I was super girl
The real me is to laugh all night lying in the grass just talking about love
But lately I've been jaded life got so complicated

I'm still thinking about it almost forgot what it was like
Do you know what it feels like?
'Cause with you
I can let my hair down
I can say anything crazy
I know you'll catch me right before I hit the ground
With nothing but a T-shirt on
I never felt so beautiful
Baby as I do now
Now that I'm with you
With you
Now that I'm with you

You speak and it's like a song
And just like that all my walls come down
It's like a private joke just meant for us to know
I relate to you naturally
Everybody else just fades away
Sometimes it's hard to breathe
Just knowing you found me
'Cause I'm still thinking about it almost forgot what it was like
Do you know what it feels like?
'Cause with you
I can let my hair down
I can say anything crazy
I know you'll catch me right before I hit the ground
With nothing but a T-shirt on
I never felt so beautiful
Baby as I do now
Now that I'm with you
With you

Come and take me
Love you save me
Like nobody else
Now I can be myself
With you

With you
I can let my hair down
I can say anything crazy
I know you'll catch me right before I hit the ground
With nothing but a T-shirt on
I never felt so beautiful
Baby as I do now (Baby as I do now)
Now that I'm with you